Dear Mom

July 18, 2011

Dear Mom,

It has been nine years since you died. I am tripped out by this, considering that this year, you will be gone for half as much time as I knew you on this earth. Weird.

Compared to when you first passed away, I miss you more this year than I have any year prior. I think mainly because this has been the hardest year of my life, and I don’t really have a mother-figure to share it with or to get advice from. I know there are plenty of people that care, but none are you, and it is not the same.

There is not one portion of my life that looks like I thought it would look when you were still on this earth. That is not something negative about my life now, I love my husband, and loved that I left school of ministry and got a degree, and I love that I live in Sonora and am able to be a part of every ones life here. When you were here, I very much thought I would somehow end up working for a church or being in ministry, that I would live someplace else, that you would still be alive. None of that was in the cards though. School of Ministry showed me that though I love God, the "ministry" is not for me. For me, it was separating so many people that I did not want to be separated from. I realized that often it built walls, and I wanted to build bridges. After Greg died, I realized that I needed to be in Sonora for a while longer, that being in Redding through it all was not going to work anymore. At the end of the day, I wanted to be like you, and just love people. And while, being in Sonora again has been great, it is where I met Steve, and so many other great things have happened, I know that this time will not last forever. The winds of change are always blowing.

People often try to say what you would say about something or think about a situation. "Your mom would love..." or "Mom would not..." I cannot really do that though. I am sure of the fact that you would love me and everyone you came in contact with, other than that, we have all changed, and you would have changed too.

I found this picture of you the other day while going through some pictures, and it caught me off guard. The same way it catches me off guard when I randomly see your hand-writing somewhere. I almost lose my breath for a moment. I believe that this picture is before you were married or had any children, but it is just so, you. Honestly, I cried when I saw it.

I knew when you died that you would never meet my husband, never meet so many grandchildren, and that every important and so many less important life events will just somehow be lacking because you are not there. People frequently say that you are looking down on us and watching us during these events, and I get that they are saying that to try and give comfort and be supportive in the midst of those events, it does not give me comfort though. Quite frankly it just feels like we were robbed of so much time with you.

At the end of the day, I believe that there is a support and a love that only a mother can give, and I have been lacking that for nine years now. Though I know that I am not alone, sometimes it feels like that because you are not here, and like I said earlier, it has been worse this year than any year prior, and today in particular.

I love you so very much, and I miss you. With all of me, I miss you.

Celeste-Pie

Hard Truth

I went to the grocery store yesterday, and I was very saddened as I was leaving to realize that the baby formula is locked behind some windows next to the cigarettes.

I 100% understand the need of this grocery store to protect their product, but what saddened me is that here, in my little community, mothers are struggling so much that the formula is locked up. I understand that too, I am sure I would steal to feed my baby.

Mothers are so in need all around me that stealing formula becomes the best option. It never ceases to amaze me how people all around, even here in the US, struggle to have their basic needs met.

Back in the days of seminary I prayed once, that my heart would be broken by the things that break the heart of God, and I think this is just one more example of how this is working in my life. Perhaps not the smartest thing I ever prayed... What is one to do to help these people, all around us, that are in need?

The Tree

While working at the home and garden show this last weekend I got a phone call from the husband informing me that the power is out... Bummer... The husband was packing up to leave for a week of work out of town, so I had him pack me up some clothes so I didn't have to deal with no husband and no power on the Baran estate.

I was planning on going to Redding and hanging out with the old friends, and since the power was out and more storms were coming. The husband and I decided I should just drive up there a couple days early.

I drive home on Monday morning to pack some clothes, and come home to this disaster.

You can't really tell from this picture, but this tree is covering our whole driveway and goes all the way up to the road.

Upon further inspection, this is what I see.

A few expletives and some hyper-ventilating here. Get a hold of the husband who tells me to call the insurance company and file the claim...

So, yet again, when crisis comes, the husband is out of town. I don't know what the universe is trying to do, make me a stronger mountain woman according to one friend. Let me give you a few examples of things that happen when the husband is gone...

• Found out I was miscarrying

• Found out my grandpa might not make it through the day

• Got laid off

• Had a tree come through the corner of our house

Oh, and there are more, much more... but, I won't bore you with all of that.

Right now they are saying it is going to be another day or two before the power comes back on. Another huge storm is coming in tonight. I am pretty sure that I am not going to stay in that house until all of the storms have passed and the power comes back on.

Something New

So, a few months ago I started swimming, just for something new to do. I figured it is always good to stretch our boundaries and try new things.

Swimming was VERY outside of my comfort zone. Slowly, but surely I started getting more comfortable in the water though.

Yesterday, I swam a mile for the first time. 1650 yards. 66 laps. I did it in 36:16. Not to bad for my first time, I think.

I considered for a moment putting a picture of myself in my swimsuit up, but shortly after realized, there is no way that I want that on the internet...

Oh, it's you again. Hello there.

IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS...

I have remained unemployed.
I have driven thousands of miles.
Three members of my family died.
Another remains in serious condition after a car accident.
Was in Reno for Thanksgiving.
Had my in-laws at my house for a week at Christmas.
Had my family at my house for Christmas-Eve.
Had one moment on peace on a beach in La Jolla (more to come about this in the future).
Was fired.
Dealt with my brother's marriage falling apart.
Started using protection.
Started and stopped going to one church (one to many catholic comments made form the pulpit when my husband was in tow).
Checked out some books on Martin Luther and his 95 Thesis, because I decided I should now about how the catholic/protestant division started.
Contacted the pastor at my home church and have attempted to start attending there again.
Gave blood for the first time in my life (I'm O Pos).
Nearly passed out after giving blood for the first time.
Freaked my husband out by talking to his boss' boss, and I now tell the husband that we are BFF's.
Still have not finished reading East of Eden in the Baran Book Club. Good news is that I am about 100 pages farther along than the husband.
Started planning my sister's baby shower.
Chopped off half of my hair.
A very close friend had heart surgery in the bay area.
Enjoyed the husband being gone for a week (we needed a break).
Set off fire-works for the first time on New Years.
Have decided that I am officially losing my mind, or just not on my A game at all.

TWIST Tea

I am part of a non-profit group called TWIST (The Women's Improvement Society of Tuolumne). The main fundraiser for the year is a tea where everyone decorates a table. I did a little league table. There were a lot of really fancy tables, but I actually wanted my table to represent something in the community...

My favorite part is the sunflower seeds that are scattered around the astro-turf running down the center of the table... I also really like the jerseys on the back of the chairs (thank you salvation army and various other thrift stores in town...).

This is from the preview the night before. For the actual day we had no power, which also meant to heat... As the universe works, the power came back on as we were cleaning up, about 1/2 hour after the event ended. Se la vi.

Snow Day

After having now power since Saturday (minus a few hours here and there) and it is supposed to get down to 20 degrees or so tonight... We are staying at a hotel in our town (below the snow line). It makes me a little sad though, my dad is probably less than 150 yards away, yet staying at a hotel was better than the option than staying with him... Another story for another time...

Life as we know it

A few things that have occurred in the last month...
Most notably, my grandfather passed away.

Got some carpet in the orange bedroom, which has now become the master bedroom...

Steve and I went to the Bridge School Benefit Concert. This is one of the few moments that it was not raining. Totally worth it though.

A close "Uncle" aka Little Daddy passed away

Visited my mom's grave since it was so close to the other funeral.

There was many beautiful days in Sonora.

Made "The Uncles" Pear Pie, and it was fabulous...

And right now there is tons of snow at my house and no power, however pictures were not a top priority of all of that. I am sure there will be expanded posts about many of these later... As for now, I am alive, and have been very busy.

Blog- Fail

Life has been nothing short of hectic.

*Started taking a couple classes to keep me motivated in the unemployment (perhaps not the best choice anymore...).

*The husband is gone on a fire. He left Thursday, September 9th. He doesn't have phone service, so I have only talked to him 2 or 3 times.

*Family drama to be discussed in another blog posting

* Wedding and work drama to be forgotten forever

*It has been a very difficult month for me. I am physically and emotionally drained. I have a perpetual feeling of, I don't know how else to describe it other than drowning.

The day Steve left for the fire I went and saw Eat, Pray, Love with a girlfriend. I enjoyed the book but did not know what to expect of the movie. Their is a Neil Young song in the movie that I have been thinking about since.

"Heart Of Gold"

by: Neil Young

I want to live,

I want to give

I've been a miner for a heart of gold.

It's these expressions

I never give

That keep me searching for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

Keeps me searching for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

I've been to Hollywood

I've been to Redwood

I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold

I've been in my mind,

it's such a fine line

That keeps me searching for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

Keeps me searching for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

Keep me searching for a heart of gold

You keep me searching for a heart of gold

And I'm growing old.

I've been a miner for a heart of gold.

Today

Today I am ready for a break.

Anyone else feel like this?

Communication

I would like to start by saying I am a firm believer of communication. So much so, that I majored in it when I went to college. Through the process of going to school, actually probably long before that, I have taken a more liberal stance on, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger." I chose to believe that sometimes it is better to give it a day, because there comes a time when NOTHING productive is happening in your anger.

For instance, you are not supposed to talk about serious things that might cause an argument, or argue if:

-One of both of you is tired
-One or both of you are hungry
-One or both of you has had to much to drink
-One or both of you do not have enough time to finish the talk

Last week it came to a point with the husband and myself that nothing productive was happening in an intense conversation we were having. A conversation that we have had many times before. So, I left. Seriously, I left for the night. I actually went and crashed at his best friends house (who was out of town and leaves the door unlocked, so I knew no one would be there and I could crash there in peace and quiet).

Let me also tell you, I was so angry that I was not going to go back home until he called me. I was getting ready to be gone for a few days, because, I thought that is how long it would take him to call me.

Luckily, for me and him he called me the afternoon of day one. Earlier in the day, I had told myself that I wasn't going to answer the phone, I was going to make him sweat it out a little bit, that is how confident I was about my position.

Then, I realized that I would be passive-aggressive if I did that, and the communication queen in me would not allow myself to do that, even if I wanted him to sweat.

So, he called me that afternoon of day one.

Me: Hello
Husband: Hello
Me: Hello
Husband: I am a hundred times sorry.
Me: Is that your way of telling me you want me to come back home.
Husband: Yes, please come home. I am sorry.
Me: Um, Okay, I guess we will talk about the rest of this later. I love you.
Husband: I love you too. Talk to you tonight.

I was at the wedding office while this whole thing was going down, so I did not feel the need to go into it any further at this point. However, when I got home these were waiting for me.

So, we talked about it later that night. And even though the sun went down on our anger, we still talked about it. I asked the husband why he let me leave, and he said at that point he knew he deserved for me to leave. I responded with a chuckle, so you let me leave to punish yourself??? He said, yep.

Crazy. Sometimes I just don't get boys.

July 1st

July 1st, and no fires... I have been graced with the husbands presence all month. Good times, except for the fact that we need the money...

This Week in House Wife

Well, this week in the land of house wife a vacuum was purchased in the Baran home. Not just any vacuum, one with the, "Proper amount of suction," at least according to Craig Ferguson Someone that I barely knew existed until all of a sudden I was unemployed and could stay up as late as I wanted (his show is on after Letterman). Even though I don't stay up that late anymore (not as productive when I sleep in until 11 for some reason), I do DVR his show since I love it that much.

Anyways, back to the vacuum with the proper amount of suction. We got one of these.

I think the husband has used it more than I have (might be one of the best parts). I used it to vacuum up a candle holder my nephews broke without a problem.

It is kind of sad and funny what life becomes. Instead of saving for the next big trip, we were saving for a vacuum cleaner. We opted to buy a nice one since we have gone through one every year and a half since we have known each other. With the five year warranty this baby brings, hopefully we won't have that problem anymore.

june

June means-

Wedding this weekend (one that I am NOT looking forward to).

Fire Season... Well, it might be here, we'll see if the husband is still around at the end of the month.

Summer is finally here (I have a huge bruise on my thigh to prove it from being out on the lake over memorial weekend, I will spare you any pictures).

Planted the garden, and it is actually looking OK. Now, we will have to see if it survives the deer and next winter.

The flip-flop tan lines are already firmly in place and will remain until next November most likely.

Will hopefully get to see the niece and nephews a little more.

Speaking of the possibility of fire season being here. What is a girl supposed to do without this guy around all the time...

I guess I am going to have to find my own way to amuse myself.

Coupons

The husband told me last night that he was watching the news and a woman bought $150 dollars worth of groceries for $.46. That's right, 46- CENTS. He then told me that maybe I shouldn't even find a job, and instead spend all of my extra time looking for coupons.

He did add with a laugh after, "Cause isn't that what every little girl wants to do when they grow up...?"

While his offer is intriguing, at least for a moment... Once that moment passes it sounds like a sure way for me to

SLOWLY GO INSANE.

Lucky for me, the husband knows this about me.

Looking for coupons every now and then does sound like a good way to save money now though...

Typical Day

For those who are wondering, here is the typical day in the life of this unemployed girl...

Wake up somewhere between 8am and 10am

(I do try and keep it closer to 8am)

1st (we will call it 8:15am)- Work Out

9am- Watch Live with Regis and Kelly, while stretching and doing floor exercises

9:30am- Eat breakfast while continuing to watch Regis and Kelly

10am- Find something random on television or watch DVR'd Grays Anatomy from the night before while doing all the dishes that remain from dinner

11am- Get sucked into some random show on TV that I care nothing about

12pm- Take a shower

1pm- Go somewhere to check how the rest of the world is surviving since we don't have internet at my house (we can only get dial-up, seriously not worth the time).

2pm- Run any errands I need to

3-4 pm Get back home and start preparing some crazy new recipe

6 pm The husband gets home

6:30 pm Eat Dinner with the husband

7-9pm watch random TV with the husband, or play a game, or listen to music...

9pm watch whatever I want for a few hours while reading a magazine or book or something

11pm-2am Go to bed sometime in this time period (I have tried to tell myself to go to bed by 11pm so I don't sleep in until 10am, but I am not going to lie, sometimes there is not a lot of motivation to do this when there is nothing going on the next day)

Go to bed and start it all over again the next day with a few variations depending on how motivated I am feeling.

The Week of (Expletive Here)...

Since, pretty much the only people that read my blog are people that I know, love and trust, I am going to open up a little more than I normally would on my blog. I am not posting any of this on my facebook, because, well, I don't want everyone on facebook to know the In's and Out's of my last week.

So, let us first start a little earlier.

Steve and I found out on September 2nd that I was pregnant. We were both very excited (obviously)
For the last month I have been "enjoying" the misery that is the first tri-mester. I was not actually enjoying it at all. I hated feeling sick all of the time.
Steve left for a fire hoping to miss the rest of the season that I was "enjoying" so much.
Last Monday, October 5th, I had an appointment with the OB/GYN in the morning before I went to work.
I was just about 9 weeks along, and the baby was measuring 8 1/2 weeks. No big deal at first.
No big deal, until the Doctor realized that our baby did not have a heart beat.
This is where there were many expletives in my mind, but I will spare you all of those.
This is also where I was trying to keep myself calm and not have a mental break-down in the doctors office.
So, the doctor said that the baby should definitely have a heart beat by how big it was measuring, so I had two options-
1. Have a natural mis-carriage
2. Have a D&C
Still expletives in my mind, and now being less effective staying calm in the doctors office.
Had to make a decision in the next hour
While remaining at the hospital to get blood work done
Tried to call my husband. Tried calling one of his good buddies at the Forest Service. Finally had to go through the emergency dispatch number I have never called to have them call the forest where that he was on for the fire.
I am completely breaking down at this point.
Wait for my sister to show up and will Steve to call.
Call my mid-wife and will Steve to call.
Get blood work done and will Steve to call.
Walking out to my truck in a daze not knowing what to do next, and Steve finally calls.
We made the decision to have a D&C.
Call the doctor to schedule the operation for the next morning.
A lot of info just a blur here.
Steve finally makes it home about 7 or 8pm that night.
Lots more crying/emotions/expletives.
Tuesday morning have the procedure.
Tuesday get pampered all day by the love of my life.
The last week trying to keep to ourselves mostly.

Why the D&C
- I was not having any symptoms of mis-carrying yet.
-The idea of waiting weeks not knowing when it would happen and knowing I would not be able to participate in my life during that time, because I would be stressed and anxiously waiting the whole time
-The idea of having our dead baby inside of me for weeks
-My doctor and mid-wife both said it was a fine option
-Steve and I were already emotionally pushed to the limit, drawing those emotions on even longer, waiting for the inevitable, sounded like a slow and painful death.

It is surreal.
This is the exact reason why we did not tell anyone about the pregnancy. Yet, I never imagined, in one million years, that it would happen to us.
I have always known that a mis-carriage was a big deal, but no one ever really says what a big deal it is. How it pulls on your emotions. How attached you have become to the baby in the weeks/months that you have known about it.

For now, we are both at work, and just dealing with it the best we know how. It is still sucky, and we are definitely not OK yet. It feels kind of like a gaping whole inside of my soul. I know we will be OK eventually, and I long for that day.

August

August, just might be from the devil this year. Well, at least that is what I decided yesterday. Here is the month so far:

-A very close friend of mine is having heart problems in the hospital and has been there for over 3 weeks
-A sister with a concussion and a night in ICU
-Another close friend just found out her grandfather has cancer
-Worst bride ever in the last week
-No end in sight

This means I have spent more time in the hospital in the last few weeks than I have in my whole life put together. One in SF and one in Modesto. I think of Dorey from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." So far, I'm keeping my head above water. Please pray that those affected even more directly find the strength... It is tough.

A Fabulous Day

The husband and I finally had a day off together. It was truly the first time in probably two months.

What did we do on our day of fun...

Well, I borrowed a convertible from my padre and we drove up Sonora Pass. We packed a wonderful picnic and just kind of hung out all day. On the way home we stopped at a restaurant in Strawberry and had a cocktail and a few appetizers for dinner.

We read, we wandered, we ate, we cruised... It was wonderful, and I am very thankful that we got a chance to do it before fire season came with all of its chaos.

June in the land of Baran

June brings lots of weddings into my life. I am basically the wedding coordinator at my work now, and we have had four weddings so far this month, and I have two more to go. It has been very busy.

The husband however, is ready for fire. I realize that this may offend some of you, that he wants there to be fires, but it is what he loves. Going out and fighting fires is pretty much the perfect day to him. Plus he gets paid more money when he is out there doing it. By this time last year he was already gone, so it is driving him crazy that he is still around. I enjoy that he is home every night to cook me dinner though...

I am looking forward to...
Having two days off in a row (I keep crossing my fingers)
Having a day off with the husband (Probably won't happen until July, and maybe not at all depending on fires)
Helping my sister have a beautiful wedding