The Week of (Expletive Here)...

Since, pretty much the only people that read my blog are people that I know, love and trust, I am going to open up a little more than I normally would on my blog. I am not posting any of this on my facebook, because, well, I don't want everyone on facebook to know the In's and Out's of my last week.

So, let us first start a little earlier.

Steve and I found out on September 2nd that I was pregnant. We were both very excited (obviously)
For the last month I have been "enjoying" the misery that is the first tri-mester. I was not actually enjoying it at all. I hated feeling sick all of the time.
Steve left for a fire hoping to miss the rest of the season that I was "enjoying" so much.
Last Monday, October 5th, I had an appointment with the OB/GYN in the morning before I went to work.
I was just about 9 weeks along, and the baby was measuring 8 1/2 weeks. No big deal at first.
No big deal, until the Doctor realized that our baby did not have a heart beat.
This is where there were many expletives in my mind, but I will spare you all of those.
This is also where I was trying to keep myself calm and not have a mental break-down in the doctors office.
So, the doctor said that the baby should definitely have a heart beat by how big it was measuring, so I had two options-
1. Have a natural mis-carriage
2. Have a D&C
Still expletives in my mind, and now being less effective staying calm in the doctors office.
Had to make a decision in the next hour
While remaining at the hospital to get blood work done
Tried to call my husband. Tried calling one of his good buddies at the Forest Service. Finally had to go through the emergency dispatch number I have never called to have them call the forest where that he was on for the fire.
I am completely breaking down at this point.
Wait for my sister to show up and will Steve to call.
Call my mid-wife and will Steve to call.
Get blood work done and will Steve to call.
Walking out to my truck in a daze not knowing what to do next, and Steve finally calls.
We made the decision to have a D&C.
Call the doctor to schedule the operation for the next morning.
A lot of info just a blur here.
Steve finally makes it home about 7 or 8pm that night.
Lots more crying/emotions/expletives.
Tuesday morning have the procedure.
Tuesday get pampered all day by the love of my life.
The last week trying to keep to ourselves mostly.

Why the D&C
- I was not having any symptoms of mis-carrying yet.
-The idea of waiting weeks not knowing when it would happen and knowing I would not be able to participate in my life during that time, because I would be stressed and anxiously waiting the whole time
-The idea of having our dead baby inside of me for weeks
-My doctor and mid-wife both said it was a fine option
-Steve and I were already emotionally pushed to the limit, drawing those emotions on even longer, waiting for the inevitable, sounded like a slow and painful death.

It is surreal.
This is the exact reason why we did not tell anyone about the pregnancy. Yet, I never imagined, in one million years, that it would happen to us.
I have always known that a mis-carriage was a big deal, but no one ever really says what a big deal it is. How it pulls on your emotions. How attached you have become to the baby in the weeks/months that you have known about it.

For now, we are both at work, and just dealing with it the best we know how. It is still sucky, and we are definitely not OK yet. It feels kind of like a gaping whole inside of my soul. I know we will be OK eventually, and I long for that day.